Start your engines, it is Monday.

Monday.  The most dreaded day of the week.  I have despised this day since childhood but I have come to realize that they are never, ever going away.

This Monday I can say that I am thankful first and foremost that I woke up.  I have my Kidlet fed, dressed and off to school on time which is another success.  My daily devotional from Sarah Young is appropriately titled, "When Some Basic Need is Lacking".

I have a few things on my To Do list that need to get crossed off but are not overwhelming.  It is Monday but I'm kind of having a "Your Gonna Make it after All" kind of theme groovin' in my head.

Enjoy the day!

Today is a new day.

Yesterday was a very bad day for me.  I have decided that I will have a good day today.  I went to The Kidlet's volleyball game and got lots of love from her.  That made me happy.  The weather is beautiful.  That makes me happy.  Ready for some poolside fun.  Today is a new day.

Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence: I in you, and you in Me.

Jesus Calling - Sarah Young

Why am I doing this?

I have been asked by several people over the last few days about why I have chosen this outlet to talk about what I am currently going through on a personal level.  Here is the the answer, take it or leave it ...

When I started blogging in 2007, I did it for fun.  My first few months were filled with posts on silly stories regarding my Kidlet, celebrity mishaps (that was the same time that Britney Spears was having her meltdown and willingly lost all of her hair), my "not so detailed" stories of being newly divorced and living in Arizona and I would also feed off of my friends blogs for content.

After several months of being bored with those topics, I began to write a bit about me.  I wrote about friendships, past loves, my family, etc.  I learned quickly that if you wanted to blast someone on a public blog that you better be ready to get a phone call or two and be able to defend yourself.  That was a lesson that I learned in, "if you want to blog, be ready for people to read it and when they do, they tell others and it will ALWAYS get back to your mother".  Yes, it happened.

I still thought that I had some life experiences that I could share.  I would change names to protect the innocent or unknowing.  I still had fun with the blog as ex hubs and I have managed to produce one of the most comical children in the world.  She fed me lots of topics but occasionally if I had a problem or felt like I wanted to share, I could and I did.  Not so long later, I had a nice base of followers.  Some of which have become very good friends.  These people became a solid support for me and not all of them agreed with my topics or my opinion but they were open and honest and they kept coming back for more.

So, here it is ... These are the happy, sad, funny, emotional, proud thoughts that are running through my head.  I am not a writer.  I write like I think, very fast.   I will not ever say anything on this blog to harm or embarrass my Kidlet, my mother, family, friends, acquaintances or even the cashier at the gas station.  This blog is for me.

That is why.

Hoarders, how did they get there? Why it is that I can relate.

First and foremost, I am not a hoarder.  If you know me at all, you know that I am borderline obsessive/compulsive about organization and cleanliness.  If you ask my Kidlet what makes this Mommy happy, she will reply with, "a clean house".

I have seen this show previewed but never actually watched until Sunday.  I was totally disgusted with how these people accumulated so much junk and were able to function in (what they thought) a normal environment.

Here is my question ... these people did not just become this way over a 6-12 month period.  It had to have slowly started at some point to get to where they are now.  Right?  Did anyone in their life not notice the early signs?  Did others just not care?  These people had to know down deep that they had a problem.  Or did they?

It made me think a bit about me and wonder when I began putting up my very tall walls.  The most obvious answer is losing my father and brother within a short period of time.  As I recently told my boyfriend, the pain was so intense and the recovery was long.  I never wanted to feel that again.  I think back to 2001-2002 as I could have done more to help myself move forward in a healthy way but I suffered through it alone.  Why did I not reach out?  I guess that my family was grieving as well and I did not want to add my problem on to theirs.  Most of my friends at the time had never lost anyone close to them and I didn't want to make it uncomfortable.

Those are excuses and I take 100% of the blame.  I'm reading a book that shall remain nameless that is all about dealing with tough situations and extreme emotion.  Even though these events happened in my past, there are things that I am doing now to aid me in my future.

So, here is a toast to my father and brother.  I miss you both dearly and think of you daily but  I need to stop sabotaging relationships for fear of failure and heartache and start building them.

Assume Form: Bethenny Frankel

I am not the missing "would be" triplet to Zan and Jayna otherwise known as The Wonder Twins if that is what this title led you to believe BUT, I have made a surprising connection that would impress this dynamic duo.

If you know me IRL you might know that I have been a fan of the Bravo reality series, The Real Housewives of  (insert any city) since the beginning.  The NYC group of ladies had me hooked immediately due to one, Bethanny Frankel.  She was so easy to love then hate but she was the most REAL, since leaving the show she has become a very successful entrepreneur, making her way into marriage and finally becoming a mother.

I have always thought that Bethanny was a total nut.  Being a little different doesn't make you crazy but she came across as a wee bit unstable in the first two seasons with her razor sharp tongue and tendency to gossip about her so-called friends.  I was not a fan then but she added to the intrigue of the show.  I grew irritated with her when she spun off with her own show(s) thinking that her minutes of fame should have timed out.  I have not watched anything other than clips of her latest show, Bethanny Ever After until last night.

It knocked me down a few notches when I heard some of the things that she was saying.  Those same things have come out of my mouth in previous months.  She said that she is difficult to love and that she pushes people away or runs. While she was at least able to articulate what she was thinking much better than I ever could, the words were eerily similar.  And again, I felt that punch in the gut.

BMX Gangs

What is the deal with the "kids" riding their bikes in packs?  In my hood, there is a group of boys (likely in their early teens) that ride their two wheelers around like they are the next generation Hells Angels looking for a fight.

They wear these fitted ball caps, swear entirely too much for their age and never break away from the pack.

I want to roll down my window and yell, "Hey boyz, pull up your pants, buy a belt, stop showing us your underwear and by the way, you are way to big to be riding that little bike.  You look like a giant bear on a mini circus trike".  But, I don't because I don't want them to shoot me with their Super Soakers.

I'm looking under my hood.

Within the last week I have experienced a break up from a long-term relationship.  This has been much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be.  I have felt tightening in my chest, upset stomach, insomnia and eating regularly has been out of the question.  I am lucky that I have such great friends that have been supportive but, they cannot always be physically with me or “in my head”. Ending a relationship is always hard regardless of what type of relationship it is.  I know that time will heal my heart but currently, I feel like sh*t and I'm at a place where it is okay for me to say it.  I don't need to act like I am unaffected or too proud to admit that I'm not alright.

He was someone who I dated casually for a year then it morphed into a serious relationship for the past two years.  It is hard to throw three years out the door even when you both know that there are issues.  I am sad.  I am angry.  I am reflecting on my part of the demise.  I'm now calling this process, "looking under my hood".

I have never claimed to be perfect.  Quite the opposite to be honest, I am flawed. As of a few days ago, I am acutely aware of it and the degree of it.  As painful as certain things are to hear about your personality and actions, I am committed to improving myself.  Not for anyone other than myself.  It is time.  I have been called a control freak and even had a term coined for me, NKK (Non Kommital Kim).  Why did I run when I should have stayed and been in the moment?  FEAR.  Fear of being hurt or getting too close.  Why did I never talk about my fear and the anxiety that I felt?

We are different.  I once thought that this is what bonded us and kept us attracted to one another. I have some work to do on me.  I can let go of some things/events from my past that have held me back.  Nothing happens overnight but I am committed to this process however bumpy it may be.  I don't want to be alone.  I want to be happy and feel love that I once had.  I have set short term goals and today, I met all three that I set for my day.  I consider that a success and I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow but not today.

Even if no one ever reads this blog, it will help me move forward.

HELLO TO A NON-EXISTENT AUDIENCE

I feel so incognito.  I swear that I do not own a fake mustache or trench coat … yet.

After roughly two years off of the personal blogging scene, I am back.  I have missed my old Vox blog and my friends.  I remember the day that I received an email from a friend of mine saying that Vox was being 86′d.  At the time, I did not really care.  I wish that I would have saved the posts (some good, some not-so-good) from 2007-2010.  But, I didn’t and while kicking my own tail is useless, it is time to reignite the fire.

I’m glad to be back and ready to fill the cyber world with my nonsense once again.

Cheers!