Within the last week I have experienced a break up from a long-term relationship. This has been much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. I have felt tightening in my chest, upset stomach, insomnia and eating regularly has been out of the question. I am lucky that I have such great friends that have been supportive but, they cannot always be physically with me or “in my head”. Ending a relationship is always hard regardless of what type of relationship it is. I know that time will heal my heart but currently, I feel like sh*t and I'm at a place where it is okay for me to say it. I don't need to act like I am unaffected or too proud to admit that I'm not alright.
He was someone who I dated casually for a year then it morphed into a serious relationship for the past two years. It is hard to throw three years out the door even when you both know that there are issues. I am sad. I am angry. I am reflecting on my part of the demise. I'm now calling this process, "looking under my hood".
I have never claimed to be perfect. Quite the opposite to be honest, I am flawed. As of a few days ago, I am acutely aware of it and the degree of it. As painful as certain things are to hear about your personality and actions, I am committed to improving myself. Not for anyone other than myself. It is time. I have been called a control freak and even had a term coined for me, NKK (Non Kommital Kim). Why did I run when I should have stayed and been in the moment? FEAR. Fear of being hurt or getting too close. Why did I never talk about my fear and the anxiety that I felt?
We are different. I once thought that this is what bonded us and kept us attracted to one another. I have some work to do on me. I can let go of some things/events from my past that have held me back. Nothing happens overnight but I am committed to this process however bumpy it may be. I don't want to be alone. I want to be happy and feel love that I once had. I have set short term goals and today, I met all three that I set for my day. I consider that a success and I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow but not today.
Even if no one ever reads this blog, it will help me move forward.
4 comments:
I read it.
I love you.
I love you with/without fault.
Sometimes flaws are who your are - just don't let them define who you are.
Sometimes it is good to be just you - take you/leave you.
Maybe there are just a few walls that need to be knocked down - for whatever the reason - for whatever the cause.
Just move through the rubble, and smile - don't hold back - be sad - be happy - be Kim.
squeezy hug.
Well said Kim... If I'm honest, I felt like you were describing me (and I bet many others feel the same) while reading your post! Recognizing that change is needed is hard, then following through and doing something about it is even tougher!
Congratulations!!! You just won the grand prize of being you!!!
I'm so sorry to hear about the breakup. You guys seemed so happy from the bits and pieces that I gathered. I like your first couple posts. We'll help you look under the hood. I've missed you!!
Not sure what name is going to pop up since it's been so long, but this is Peachy. :)
Thank you for the support!
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